Ask a Liberal

Hey Lib,

How do you libs propose to deal with the threat from Iran?

 

Sincerely,

 

Hard-line in Batavia, NY

 

 

Dear Hardline,

 

First, I would be careful about using terms like “threat,” especially after we spent the last five and a half years and a trillion dollars fighting a “threat” in Iraq. That threat that turned out to be a lot less of a danger to US interests than the remedy. The people who insist that Iran is a threat are the same ones who told you that Saddam was poised to rain mustard gas down on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. Did you know that the Chinese word for “threat” is the same as their word for “horseshit”? It’s not, but if it were, it would neatly reinforce my point. And my claims about Chinese etymology are at least as credible as Bush’s claim about Iraqi WMD’s.

 

 

Yes, I realize that Iran recently tested some missiles. I’m also aware that they tried to cover up at least one embarrassing failure to launch by photoshopping the pictures of the launch. If we’re going to be responding to threats created using digital technology, we should probably be talking about slapping some sanctions on the Kingdom of Mordor. But then Iran’s little exercise in photoshop should be good news for George Bush. There’s no need to lie about your adversaries’ WMD’s when they’re fabricating them on their own.

 

 

Dear General,

What have Bush and McCain done to actually find
terrorists? Other than McCain's secret plan to capture bin Laden and Bush's
entrapment of a group of ignorant, impoverished young
men by offering them shoes in exchange for a bit of
stream-of-consciousness ninja-terrorist planning, I'm not seeing
results.

Unafraid in Arizona

Dear Unafraid,

Finding
terrorists is hard work, but the Bush Administration and it's upcoming McCain
sequel are up to the task. While they may not have much to show for their
efforts yet, they're applying new, more creative approaches that are guaranteed
to bring results.

Chief among these is joint federal-state operation
which employs utility workers and cable installation guys as "Terrorism Liaison Officers (TLO)." It's basically the same thing as
the old TIPs program Congress killed, but shifted to states like
Florida and Tennessee where the people are so frightened of suspiciously-hued
Islamunistofacists they'll even waive their Fourth Amendment
protections.

Basically, it works like this: A cable TV repairman/TLO
shows up at someone's house two hours after the four hour appointment window.
While pretending to inspect the wires, he'll surreptitiously survey your
artwork, book collection, refrigerator, etc, looking for things that 'ain't
American lookin'." Examples of such objects might include abstract art, a book
of poetry, pita bread, or an Anouk album. The TLO carefully lists
each object and then declares the cable trouble to be a network issue he can't
fix and leaves to file an A64H-7 Potential Terrorist Identification
Report.

 

Hey Lib,

A new poll says 69 percent
of Americans think the Founding Fathers would be disappointed by the
way America has turned out. What’s the lib take?     

Sincerely,

Historically-Minded in Leesburg,
VA 

 

Dear Historically,

I’d say the Founding Fathers
would be mightily impressed with a number of things, such as how we’ve
convinced our slaves to accept nominal wages in return for providing
their own food and shelter. George Washington had to quarter a small
army of potential insurrectionists at Mount Vernon to get the tobacco
crop in. It’s a lot more pragmatic to have the household help take
the bus from the Bronx or Compton. You don’t want the barbarians inside
the gates, after all. On the other hand, there are certain advantages
to having the household help living in the main house. Just ask Thomas
Jefferson.  

Hey Lib, 

How come you guys are so soft
on terror?    

Sincerely,

Tough on Terror in Vandergrift,
PA 

 

Dear Tough,

Nobody is soft on terror. The
phrase itself is absurd, like “ambivalent about cholera.” And like
infectious fatal diarrhea, terror is not a concept that lends itself
to shades of gray. You either want to see it wiped out, or you’re
one of the tiny minority who partake in it. In that sense it’s also
like the designated hitter rule.  

The phrase “soft on terror”
makes it seem like liberals want to see terror decriminalized for personal
use. Just blow yourself and a few bystanders up, and it’s like a traffic
ticket. Can you really believe we think that? You must think that liberals’
first reaction to 9/11 was “boy, we gotta put limits on this sort
of thing before it gets out of hand.”     

Liberals just have a different
approach to terror. It differs sharply from the right-wing approach
in that it has a chance of working. It involves taking simple steps
not to foment terror. Let me put it this way: just because I don’t
want to poke their hive with a stick doesn’t mean I’m soft on bees.
And if we can find a way to co-exist with those bees, Exxon-Mobile can
take all their honey.    

Dear
General,

If Republicans can't even find a candidate willing to run for the open republican
congressional seat in Staten Island, how do you expect to win anything in
November?

Laughing in Long Island

Dear Mr.
Laughing,