Dear General,

What have Bush and McCain done to actually find
terrorists? Other than McCain's secret plan to capture bin Laden and Bush's
entrapment of a group of ignorant, impoverished young
men by offering them shoes in exchange for a bit of
stream-of-consciousness ninja-terrorist planning, I'm not seeing
results.

Unafraid in Arizona

Dear Unafraid,

Finding
terrorists is hard work, but the Bush Administration and it's upcoming McCain
sequel are up to the task. While they may not have much to show for their
efforts yet, they're applying new, more creative approaches that are guaranteed
to bring results.

Chief among these is joint federal-state operation
which employs utility workers and cable installation guys as "Terrorism Liaison Officers (TLO)." It's basically the same thing as
the old TIPs program Congress killed, but shifted to states like
Florida and Tennessee where the people are so frightened of suspiciously-hued
Islamunistofacists they'll even waive their Fourth Amendment
protections.

Basically, it works like this: A cable TV repairman/TLO
shows up at someone's house two hours after the four hour appointment window.
While pretending to inspect the wires, he'll surreptitiously survey your
artwork, book collection, refrigerator, etc, looking for things that 'ain't
American lookin'." Examples of such objects might include abstract art, a book
of poetry, pita bread, or an Anouk album. The TLO carefully lists
each object and then declares the cable trouble to be a network issue he can't
fix and leaves to file an A64H-7 Potential Terrorist Identification
Report.

Two weeks later, the homeowner will be whisked of to a secret
interrogation center in Poland where he will be waterboarded and sodomized by a
team of large Pensacola Christian College graduates until he either admits
guilt, accepts Jesus as his own, personal savior, or becomes a McCain
Pioneer.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian,
patriot

--
The General publishes the blog, Jesus
General, and operates the Cafe Wellstone in Second Life. He
can be reached at gen.jc.christian@gmail.com and JC Christian on
Skype.