Hey Lib,

How do you libs propose to deal with the threat from Iran?

 

Sincerely,

 

Hard-line in Batavia, NY

 

 

Dear Hardline,

 

First, I would be careful about using terms like “threat,” especially after we spent the last five and a half years and a trillion dollars fighting a “threat” in Iraq. That threat that turned out to be a lot less of a danger to US interests than the remedy. The people who insist that Iran is a threat are the same ones who told you that Saddam was poised to rain mustard gas down on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. Did you know that the Chinese word for “threat” is the same as their word for “horseshit”? It’s not, but if it were, it would neatly reinforce my point. And my claims about Chinese etymology are at least as credible as Bush’s claim about Iraqi WMD’s.

 

 

Yes, I realize that Iran recently tested some missiles. I’m also aware that they tried to cover up at least one embarrassing failure to launch by photoshopping the pictures of the launch. If we’re going to be responding to threats created using digital technology, we should probably be talking about slapping some sanctions on the Kingdom of Mordor. But then Iran’s little exercise in photoshop should be good news for George Bush. There’s no need to lie about your adversaries’ WMD’s when they’re fabricating them on their own.

 

 

I’m also aware that, despite the Bush Administration’s hardline rhetoric on Iran, American exports to that country have increased 10-fold since Bush has been president. Among the items we send them are cigarettes, bras, and bull semen. Isn’t Bush the one who was recently railing against appeasing dictators? If you’re showering someone with cigarettes, lingerie, and semen, it seems to me that you’re doing more than appeasing them. Depending on their degree of receptiveness, you’re either seducing or creeping the hell out of them. But in answer to your question, the liberal approach would be to engage in diplomacy using carrots and sticks. Let’s see how that works before we start in with the bull semen.

 

 

Yours,

 

Frederick Douglas Trotsky-Goldman