Krauthammer should go back to choking his chicken and wait for a real story to come along.
Hack!

believe comedic change is possible. Since the New Yorker dropped a bum joke on its cover this week, comedians have appeared on every news outlet to whine about how hard it is to make fun of Barack Obama. Really? They have an arsenal of jokes to use against a 71-year-old ex-POW cancer survivor and Obama is too touchy a subject?

I'm here to help. I called some comedian friends to compile a guide to making fun of Obama. The consensus is there's not yet one standout attribute to pound away on (McCain is old! Clinton cheats on his wife! Bush is stupid! Al Gore is a robot! John Kerry makes me feel inexplicably sad inside!), but there are areas to explore. If we just work a little harder, and sacrifice a little bit, we can achieve greatness. We are the immature jerks we have been waiting for.

* Cover charges
EDITORIAL: The jokes are just beginning

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BLOWBACK:
Is America ready for Obama?
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TIM RUTTEN:
If you can't take a joke...
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OPINION L.A. BLOG:
Poll - Was the New Yorker cartoon satire?

He's a nerd. Yes, he seems cool because he plays basketball and fist-bumps and knows about pop music. But that's because we're comparing him with other politicians, all of whom are older than our grandparents. Compare Obama with other 46-year-olds and he's Urkel. He's the kid at the Model United Nations conference who says, "Guys, guys, c'mon. Let's not make fun of Eastern Europe." And the brutal truth is, even if women faint at your rallies, you'll never feel cool inside when you have Alfred E. Neuman's ears.

He's ridiculously earnest. Obama is the kind of guy who not only talked you into showing up for Hands Across America but afterward insisted that it was awesome. On "Saturday Night Live," Fred Armisen plays up Obama's weird pauses and brow furrows like he's Yogi Bear getting bad news from a doctor. Comedian Marc Maron does a really smart bit about how Obama stares out into the distance while giving a speech. "The first time you see him you're like, 'What's he looking at?' But then you're like, 'I don't know, but it's good and full of hope. And he's the only one who can see it. If we vote for him, maybe he'll take us there.' "

He's black. Apparently, the differences between black people and white people can be funny. Trust, me I've seen this on HBO's "Def Comedy Jam."

When I called "Simpsons" writer Matt Selman for help on Obama jokes, he came up with this: "A lot of people are worried about Obama being assassinated because he's black. The solution to that is a much blacker vice president. I'm thinking Flavor Flav." Admittedly, Selman nervously said, "Don't make me look racist!" about 20 times before and after telling me his joke.

He's manorexic. No one loses weight on the campaign trail, when you're grabbing fast food and eating whatever is offered out of politeness, but this guy is always turning down doughnuts. It's like he signed up for running for president because he thought "president" was some kind of 10K race.

As comedian Aisha Tyler told me, "He has the build of an ex-high school javelin thrower. He's the guy on the track team who only does that one event, and he weighs the same as the javelin."

He's effete. He's well-dressed. He eats arugula -- which he buys at Whole Foods. He mocks those who use guns. He is, as we mentioned, quite thin. He may only be half-black, but he's three-quarters gay.

He called his own grandmother a racist. We all have racist grandmothers, but we don't brag about it to everyone. I like to imagine that his granny wasn't that bad and that Obama was just super-sensitive. Like she would tell him it was bedtime and he'd yell, "Oh, I have to go to bed because I'm black!" Or she'd tell him to clean up his room and he'd start yelling, "Oh, clean my room, huh? My people stopped obeying the white woman 100 years ago, Grammy!" Then they'd both laugh and she'd whip him.

His name is weird. The unfunny people beat us to the Osama/Obama bit, which really could have been mined. But Obama also dropped the "Barry" nickname in college. Do you remember those classmates who suddenly found their culture and had to share it with you like they were on the ninth step of AA? You just wanted to trudge through "Portrait of a Lady," but they felt compelled to sit you down in the dorm hallway and explain how they're no longer Susie, they're Mei Mei now. Then they recounted their whole journey of identity by using a lot of words that made it clear that Mei Mei was going to be a lot less fun than Susie was.

His platitudes need deconstruction. "We are the people we've been waiting for"? Actually, I'm pretty sure we're the people who put all our money in Yahoo and then bought a house to flip and now are hocking everything we have. We're the people China has been waiting for.

jstein@latimescolumnists.com

NPR.org, June 19, 2007 · Hamas and Fatah are rival Palestinian factions that have attacked Israel in the past. Here's a look at the two organizations:

What is Hamas?

Hamas, an Islamist group, has pursued a policy of "armed resistance" against Israel — carried out by suicide bombing attacks on Israeli civilians — while also extending social-welfare programs to Palestinians in the Gaza Strip and the occupied West Bank. Hamas' official name is Harakat al-Muqawama al-Islamiya (Islamic Resistance Movement).

What is Fatah?

Fatah was the first exile group to launch attacks against Israel. Fatah's official name is Harakat al Tahrir al Falastini (Palestinian Liberation Movement). Fatah is the dominant member of the greater Palestinian Liberation Organization (PLO).

What are the origins of these groups?

Hamas was founded in the Gaza Strip in 1987 by Sheik Ahmed Yassin and Dr. Abdel Aziz al-Rantissi, both of whom have since been killed by Israel.

Hamas is an offshoot of the Muslim Brotherhood, a religious and political organization with branches throughout the Arab world. In 1988, Hamas wrote its charter, which calls for the destruction of the state of Israel and swears to "raise the banner of Allah over every inch of Palestine." The charter is still in effect today.

However, Hamas member Ismail Haniya — named prime minister under the unity government — has spoken of a possible long-term truce with Israel, if Israel withdraws from territory occupied after the 1967 war.

Fatah was founded by the late Yasser Arafat and a small group of Palestinian nationalists in the late 1950s. The group is a member of the PLO, a loose umbrella group of a number of Palestinian organizations founded in Cairo in the mid-1960s.

Fatah quickly became the most powerful member of the PLO, which Arafat also led.

What does the PLO think of Israel?

In 1993 the PLO officially renounced terrorism and recognized Israel's right to exist. In exchange, PLO leaders were allowed to return from exile in Tunisia and recognized as the Palestinian Authority, the governing body of the Gaza Strip and parts of the West Bank. They were also allowed to set up Palestinian security forces. Although the PLO has officially renounced terrorism, some of its member organizations have been accused of or have claimed responsibility for continued attacks.

The PLO was initially based largely in Jordan. But after fighting between PLO guerrillas and the Jordanian army in 1970, a conflict known as Black September, the PLO was forced out of Jordan. Most of the guerrillas — and Yasser Arafat — settled in Lebanon. The PLO then launched frequent attacks on Israel from their Lebanese bases, prompting two Israeli invasions of Lebanon — in 1978 and 1982.

What approach does Hamas take toward Israel?

Hamas calls for the destruction of Israel. Its armed resistance has been carried out by suicide bombing attacks on Israeli civilian buses, nightclubs and other venues. As a result the United States, Israel and the European Union have labeled it a "terrorist organization." Human Rights Watch has also criticized Hamas for its attacks on civilians.

Hamas' main claim for support among Palestinians comes from its provision of social welfare services that neither the Israelis nor Fatah provide. From its inception, Hamas has funded and developed an elaborate network of schools, orphanages, health clinics and other social services that have given it reach into every sector of its populations.

How is Fatah viewed as compared to Hamas?

Despite its violent past, Fatah is now seen as the more moderate Palestinian party. While the group's constitution also calls for the destruction of Israel, the group falls under the PLO, which has renounced terrorism. Fatah's leadership of the Palestinian Authority was seen as corrupt and inept by many Palestinians, which is the major reason for its loss of seats in the government in the 2006 election.

How have Hamas and Fatah fared politically?

In January 2006, Palestinian voters in Gaza, the West Bank and East Jerusalem voted for a new Palestinian legislature. Hamas won a major victory, taking 74 of the 132 seats, in an election deemed fair and honest by international observers. Its rival, the once-dominant Fatah party, criticized for ineffectiveness and corruption, took only 45 seats.

Fatah still controls the presidency, the highest elected position in the government. Mahmoud Abbas has held the position since January 2005. Fatah also controls roughly 70,000 police and security forces throughout the West Bank and Gaza Strip. These forces regularly clash with Hamas loyalists.

The surprise political victory in 2006 gave Hamas control of the Palestinian government. It also created a conflict with Israel and with Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas. Hamas refuses to accept Israel's right to exist and says it will not honor pre-existing treaties signed by the Palestinian Authority. In light of this, Israel, with the support of the United States and the European Union, launched a financial boycott of the Hamas-led government. Israel refused to pay the Palestinian Authority its monthly trade taxes, which Israel collects, and Washington has sought to freeze all bank transfers to the Palestinian Authority. The results deprived the authority's 150,000 civil servants of salaries for a time, but aid has continued to flow from the European Union and the United States via a specially devised "mechanism" that bypasses the Palestinian government.

How have recent events impacted the relationship between Hamas and Fatah?

In June, Hamas took control over the Gaza Strip, destroying the headquarters of President Abbas as well as other government buildings. As a result of the violence, Abbas dissolved the unity government, a power-sharing deal between the two groups that was signed on Feb. 9, 2007, and swore in an emergency government. He forced out the prime minister, Ismail Haniyeh, who is a member of Hamas. Abbas named Salam Fayyad, a Western-backed independent lawmaker, to the post.

Hamas leaders have condemned the move, making a decision not to recognize the changes, and insisted that the Fatah-Hamas unity government formed in March remains in charge of the Palestinian Authority. Haniyeh has claimed that he continues to hold the position of prime minister of the Palestinian Authority.

Leaders from the United States, Europe and Israel have spoken out in support of Abbas and his new government — and plan to restore aid to the Palestinian people.
Who are the key Fatah leaders?
Mohammed Dahlan
ohammed Dahlan: Dahlan is one of the most powerful Fatah leaders in the Gaza Strip. Born in 1961 in a Palestinian refugee camp, Dahlan served several prison terms in Israel for terrorist activities. He is believed to have been one of the leaders of the 1987 intifada.
Dahlan was a member of the Palestinian delegation that negotiated the Oslo Peace Accords in 1993 with Israel. The accords set up the Palestinian Authority, which granted Palestinian governance of the Gaza Strip and parts of the West Bank. It also allowed the creation of Palestinian security forces. Dahlan served as the first head of security forces in Gaza.
Dahlan says he was jailed 10 times by Israel between 1981 and 1986. During his incarcerations, he learned to speak fluent Hebrew.
Marwan Barghouti
Marwan Barghouti: Barghouti is Fatah's most popular leader in the West Bank. Born in Ramallah in the late 1950s, Barghouti became active in Fatah at the age of 15. By age 18, he had spent time in an Israeli prison.
Barghouti was one of the major leaders of the first intifada, the Palestinian uprising that began in 1987. He was subsequently arrested and deported, but he was allowed to return in 1994. Soon after, Barghouti was elected to the Palestinian parliament, where he pushed for peace with Israel.
Barghouti was also a key leader of the second intifada, which began in 2000. He was arrested, tried and convicted in Israel of multiple murders and is now serving five life sentences in an Israeli jail. Barghouti's supporters deny his involvement and say he is being held as a political prisoner.
Mahmoud Abbas
Mahmoud Abbas: Abbas is the president of the Palestinian National Authority. Abbas, also called Abu Mazen, was born in what is now northern Israel in 1935. He was elected president of the Palestinian National Authority on Jan. 9, 2005, and took office six days later. Abbas also took over as chairman of the Palestinian Liberation Organization in 2004, succeeding Yasser Arafat.
Abbas is viewed as a moderate Palestinian politician that lacks the charisma of Yasser Arafat.
Who are the key Hamas leaders?
Ismail Haniyeh. Getty Images
Ismail Haniyeh: Haniyeh is the prime minister of the Palestinian Authority.
Haniyeh, who is in his 40s, was born in a Palestinian refugee camp in the Gaza Strip. He graduated from an Islamic University in 1987, the same year Hamas was founded. Two years later, he was imprisoned by Israeli officials and later deported to Lebanon. He returned to Gaza in 1993.
On Dec. 14, 2006, Haniyeh, who had been traveling abroad, was stopped at the Rafah border crossing. He was believed to be carrying tens of millions of dollars in foreign donations for his cash-strapped government. Israeli border guards refused to let him enter.
A gun battle between Hamas militants and Palestinian security forces loyal to Fatah was reported in response to the incident. When Haniyeh later attempted to cross the border, an exchange of gunfire left one of his bodyguard's dead and his eldest son wounded. Hamas denounced the firefight, saying it was as an assassination attempt by rival Fatah, an accusation which prompted firefights in the West Bank and Gaza City between Fatah and Hamas forces.

Mohammed Deif: Born in 1960, Deif is the commander of the military wing of Hamas, a position he's believed to have held since July 2002. Deif spent several years at the top of Israel's most wanted list. In 2005 a tape of Deif surfaced in which the militant commander and bomb maker referred to "armed resistance" as "a legal weapon alongside political activity." He also threatened to make all of Palestine "hell" for Israel and encouraged insurgents in Iraq.
Khalid Meshal: The leader of both the military and political wings of Hamas in exile, Meshal lives in Damascus, Syria. He has called for the creation of a Palestinian army. Although he was a vocal critic of Yasser Arafat's leadership, Meshal attended the Palestinian leader's funeral in Cairo.
After the Hamas electoral victory in 2006, Meshal published an opinion piece in The Guardian which said, in part, "We shall never recognize the right of any power to rob us of our land and deny us our national rights. We shall never recognize the legitimacy of a Zionist state created on our soil in order to atone for somebody else's sins or solve somebody else's problem. But if you are willing to accept the principle of a long-term truce, we are prepared to negotiate the terms.
NPR's Eric Westervelt contributed reporting to this piece.

Charlie's definitely got a "head like a hole".

George W. & George H.W. Bush - Living proof that the dumbshit doesn't fall far from the dumbass.

reason why there aren't any comments about what is actually in Krauthammer's column or Ackerman's totally unproven racial accusation?

I was hoping someone else would notice something. Is AAR paying Ackerman for these Guest Blogger postings? Have you all noticed that many of them lately are so idiotic nobody has bothered commenting? The "taffy girl' and "telling the orphan to shut up" within the last twenty four hours. Then he makes an accusation against Krauthammer that he cannot back up.

Did you ever notice how Krauthammer always looks like he's smelling shit? I
By othelloJuly 18, 2008 - 11:29pm

Man up, asshole. Apologize.

In the night, Othello confronts Desdemona, and then kills her by smothering her in bed.

You are one sick asshole.

propaganda. And just like the original othello, you have been driven crazy by the very same leftwingnuts that have tricked you. You live up to you screen name.

I'm just pointing out how similar you are to your namesake.