Flickr: Creative Commons by Kitty27 and Amir Farshad Ebrahimi

"I'll get right back to ya!" Ugh. It really places a nausea in my belly. I will now have to be hella cruel to a person who is so other-minded that nastiness from the likes of me is verbal silence. Here we go. Let's start by engaging in some name calling (as if we were at Biden's dream boxing match): Fine. So, Palin is the Cutie Pie from Who-Knows-Why and that's no good because that makes Biden Apollo Creed.

Now sure, go ahead and get mad about that. Call me sexist. (Note bene: Rocky was a punchy guy, not a quirky wolf-shooting gal.) But while you're calling me names, bear in mind Palin's been leaning on gender stereotyping to get folks smiling and cheering and generally not thinking long enough so that they'll do the wrong thing.

I read about a study that I may be mis-remembering (what I remember is the point, even if I've invented the whole thing) where researchers brought together "prim" types, you know, church ladies and the like peppered here and there with regular women. They showed these "subjects" a photograph of a cute little dog. In the foreground was the profile of a young woman's exposed breast. Very few outside the control group reported that there was a breast in the picture. They didn't see it! Now listen up. Red state America doesn't see what we do either. They think Sarah Palin's a spunky gal with a bandolier full of can-do and a sweet Browning over-and-under (you just made my point (in reverse) if you had to click the link). Hit refresh often as this be updated every few minutes. Enjoy the debate! This is the GOP's finest hour: They will show how marketing prowess can beat principle and substance. Ding!

She asked, "Can I call you Joe?" How charming. "Joe" is up first. And he's going to say stuff about how Bush stunk, and blahbittyblah on deregulation and how Barack Obama's going to make it all better. An excellent bag man from Delaware. Nice tie.

Palin tells you to go to a kid's soccer game. Nice! We're going to hear fear. That's what we'll hear. Why it will be fear you will hear in your ear. We need to get this problem to the rear of this year in the past (what an ass) I wish she'd say something. Fear my ear! Oh dear!

John McCain, says Palin, was talking to American workers and the work ethic--he didn't mean the economy (as he said?) was sound. Bah! I did all this stuff, Gwen, when I was mayor. Let's get er done. I think Americans want something new and different in there in that White House! McSame!!!

Heck yeah was there corruption. And Joe Six Pack (she said it! good marketing!!! beware) wants us to spank those jerks who tempted Americans. Buy what you can afford jerk-o.

Biden: Barack invented the argument against the sub-prime thing. We always knew this was a problem. John McCain thought the thing to do was open the chicken coop, put the fox in there, and close the chicken coop. It would be better if he stopped looking to his right. Palin is to his left. It looks like he's avoiding her. Now they're looking at each other and Joe's smiling. Now he's listening, paying attention. And Sarah, God love her, is talking tax relief like the second coming of president as product (Barbie edition). Makes Bush look like the first phase in the presidency-as-personality-product-launch. I may not answer the way you elites want me to, Gwen fancy pants and smarty smart smart Biden, but I'm gonna sit right on Joe Six Pack's lap and tell him what he wants to hear.

Taxes according to Biden: It's about fairness. Good. Stop. The superweathy are doing pretty well.

Palin takes issue. She's mad and looks smart actually. Damn. She just went ape okay all right and we just got to see her be a governor. Low expectations as a strategy set up just this sort of mediocre performance, making it look, well, good and not merely mediocre. Not bad. Thank God Biden is on the ball and actually has some character. Palin only has character, you see. So he needs to have some character.

They are talking health care, and that's the ultimate bridge to nowhere. Nice line, Joe.

What promises can't be kept? Biden says foreign assistance. Tax cuts too. McCain's $300 billion tax cut for the rich, or $400 billion for Exxon. But we cannot stop spending on education and affordable health care.

A h but Sarah Palin comes back with a massive blow to the body. Joe Biden is surprised. She is an enemy of big oil. She is strong. Watch her look less like Gidget and more like George W Bush in a skirt.

They are talking about energy. This is like listening to Britney Spears and Paul McCartney discuss a 100% meat diet.

Palin just said there's a toxic mess on Main Street that's affecting Wall Street, which is why she wants to make it harder for people to wiggle out of credit debt through the easy street of bankruptcy. Because it is so much fun to go bankrupt. And here's the pattern: Whenever Palin is nailed she whips out her resume. She is talking about energy. Because she's the country's foremost energy expert! (See what I did there? Real time, baby!!!)

Palin is kinda sorta saying there is no such thing as manmade climate change. Note to self: When someone is not screaming bloody murder about climate change, they are a denier. Biden thinks global warming is clearly manmade: If you don't understand the causes you can't solve the problem. McCain is a dirty, coal-loving codger. Swims in a lake of There Will Be Blood-style lake of oil, etc. Drill we must, because in drills we trust.

Clean coal is dirty, Joe, which is why you just changed the topic (magic!) to gay marriage. Fancy. And of course when you agree that the gays are anathema to the American Dream you should of course begin talking about the war in Iraq. I am now eating cookies. They are making me feel sad. (The candidates, not the cookies.) White flag. Palin is a cockroach and I need the Black Flag. Take that you fugly golf monkey, Bill O'Reilly. Black Flag. It's a now defunct alternative rock (a.k.a. punk) band.

Palin tried to bring up the Barack Obama is not ready to be president thing up. Blahbittyblah. John McCain has been dead wrong regarding the fundamentals of war.

Iran and Pakistan. Pakistan, says Joe Biden, has the bomb. Say no more. He's right. Both countries could be game changers. McCain says the war, the main theater, is Iraq. It's not. It's in the hills of Afghanistan and Pakistan. So there.

Palin on same: Iraq is where Petraeus says the war is. So Iran cannot get nukes. Israel needs us. Dictators are Obama's friends. She repeats the lie. Obama did not say he'd meet with Ahmedinejad, which she can pronounce. The dictators hate America. Obama is beyond bad judgment, she says. Indeed. He past that shit in 1980 when he inhaled.

No one has been a better friend than Joe Biden to Israel. Bob Dole likes pineapple cake.

Gwen: Do you understand the art of high school debating?

Sarah: I understand the art of high school debating because the question about debating is one that speaks to high school and how we debate.

Joe Biden thinks John McCain will be the same as Bush. But he uses "than" when he should use "from" when he says they're no different from each other. Nuclear is NOT PRONOUNCED NUKYOOLER. WTF? Okay, calm down. They do that for Joe Six Pack. The fuckwit.

Barack Obama is for saving Afghanistan people, we're for killing terrorists, says Sarah. And all Afghanistan is filled with nothing but terrorists. Biden: The surge was retarded in Iraq (he didn't--I did) and said tactic will not work in Afghanistan. We need Rambo. Rambo could get the Ark of the Covenant, he could save the Oompa Loompas. (Yet another quickdraw McGraw link--check it slowpokes).

BTW Joe Biden has now sighed audibly twice. Bad move. Makes you sound like a windbag to us folks who say noooooookeeeeeeyar. Yes, I realize that I'm getting loopy. I will buckle down now. Promise.

This war is so beside the point. The Democrats don't care, and the Republicans love war. Change the topic. And here she goes: I'm not a Washington outsider, but you were totally against Obama, Senator. Said he'd make a bad president. I'm so unused to you smiling lying assholes in your nice suits. I drink beer. Really. And I am just saying, Joe, that when I drink beer with the guys in my bikini and shoot the shit out of stuff with an AK I think about pussies like you, and I laugh.

Can we please get to something substantive? This debate is thus far dealing in glittering generality, just as someone said it might. Specifics, Joe, will tie her in knots. Time to play the bully. Do it calmly. She is calm. She is just making fun of you Joe. You need to side step these little jabs--you don't even agree with Obama. That's what she's saying. You need to say: Sarah, a month ago you didn't have a passport.

Biden slaps back and sharpens and that is good. And there's your answer, Biden: Slap her back and she goes straight back to Wasilla, soccer moms, and Joe Six Pack. Taxes are bad. And now Joe is going to bring up his Joe Six Pack bona fides (he goes to some restaurant that sounds worker-ish and Home Depot where he hangs out all the time).

Palin: "Say it aint so, Joe." That's going to become a placard quote. I just thought of Tina Fey's pistol poking cutey. Boy howdy! Here she goes being at least gubernatorial on education and she does not sound stupid. But mind this: setting lower expectations allows not-sounding-stupid to sound good. Even Gwen Iffil just said everyone gets extra credit. No wipe out. She fell for it!!! And now, Sarah makes a funny. She uses the phrase, "lame joke." A new low in politics. Wanna work with ya! This is a president? Can you imagine her meeting with a real head of state? Oy.

Palin was just reading talking points! Hey! Ho!!! Fabulous.

Biden: Vice president has been the most dangerous VP in the history of the county. Nice! The VP supports the president; he doesn't tell him what to wear everyday and whisper what to say at press conferences from the bushes.

Conventional wisdom: Palin lacks experience. WTF? she says. I am a mom. I have a special needs kid. I have a kid in the war. I am was poor. She being reciting the Lord's Prayer dubbed over God Bless America.

Biden lacks discipline (I paraphrase): "That's kind," he says, hitching up his apron. "Other's talk about my excessive passion. Some talk about my inability to change. I did lots of stuff. I invented criminals. Then I put them in jail. I am a single parent. I know how to be poor. You should be quiet. Because my house is me and you are stupid, Sarah. My wife died. Shut up. You're making me cry. Go back to Alaska. Let us save this country, you hussy."

Palin: Look at that maverick stuff. McCain is the man. "He is the man we need to leave." She said it!!! Couldn't agree more. Yay. Biden wants to talk about the maverick thing: McCain has not been a maverick with regard to anything that folks care about. Nice. Palin is reeling. He has not been a maverick about the things that reflects the things people talk about around the kitchen table. Maverick he is not!

And the cutie pie from who-knows-why is down for the count. One... Two.... Three.....